But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
