I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
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I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
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so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me