The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
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My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
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You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander