What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?