I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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