Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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