It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Boobs speak an international language.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
