i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
