The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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