Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
