dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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