i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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