i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
