Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
