When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
