Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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