He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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