You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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