Will you blow on my dice?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
