ya dads aren't the best wingmen
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
