Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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