sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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