I can tuck mytits in my pants
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
