New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
So squirting runs in the family.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
