Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
