we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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