Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
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She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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