the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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