Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
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My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
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My dad just said "fuck circus"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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