giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
