Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
