She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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