Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
