Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
