He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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