I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
