I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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