I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
