I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
