best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
