well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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