Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
