wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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