The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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