There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
