You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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