lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
