Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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