I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
