I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
