I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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