put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
