Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
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I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
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Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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