How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I love you. Go after that dick
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
