70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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