I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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