20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
