Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
