Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
